From Quick Fixes to True Healing: Unmasking the Struggles Christians Face
What would you say to this statement?
“Everyone Communicates: Few Connect?”
Are you a connector and what does that look like?
I received an email from a friend a few days ago, he was referring to empathy and taking time with people. His comment caused me to stop for a moment and take time to reflect. He was saying that he suffers a lot when after he shares with someone close to him, they turn around and quickly offer advice. He went on to say he’s noticed that others suffer from this behaviour too.
I’m sure this would go for every person on the planet; at some stage in your life, you’ve had someone give you a quick fix, solution, or advice to a situation or problem that you just needed to talk about. It can be annoying, upsetting, or even cause a breakdown in the relationship. It’s important to consider this, and even to stop and think, when was the last time you did that to someone and what could you do to avoid that next time?
Conversely when you are sharing information about yourself, people can be quick to jump to conclusions or put you in a box about the type of person you are. For example, if you mention you’re a Christian, people can be very quick to come to conclusions about the type of person you are often due to circumstances or situations they’ve encountered in the past, or perceptions from what others have said.
Our response team at Roaring Hope message back and forth online with people every day and we learn so much from doing this! I’ve been reminded lately of the importance of taking time with people who say they are Christians. We want to reduce the moments where we are found guilty of putting people in boxes or coming up with quick-fix solutions.
I’m reminded of an Explorer who has been told by her Christian friends “Be thankful and praise God despite how I’m feeling”. While thanksgiving and praise can certainly change circumstances, it’s important to consider if something needs adjustment so that we can enter into his ’gates’ and ‘courts’ unhindered (Psalm 100). My question to her was “Would you like to share what you're struggling with. Perhaps we can chat about it together”. She’s gone on to tell me of three specific events that have plagued her mind at the age of 9, 14 and 16. She’s not told anyone these things, she’s told God she’s sorry but then she questions herself, is she really sorry. God has given us promises to set us free however if we are continuing to be brought down by situations that have happened there are other promises that we need to grasp. Forgiveness, repentance, and then walking out what God promises “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:1-4. Sometimes people need help to do that, and the simple act of sharing and bringing things into the light can be all that is needed. There can be many reasons why people don’t let go of guilt, shame, and condemnation.
I was in India in 2011 where I met Rebecca (*name changed). She was attending a discipleship training that I was facilitating with a mission’s team. I sat down with her to have a chat and during the conversation, she nervously told me that she couldn’t hear from God. I started asking her questions, things like: What does it look like for you to connect with God? Do you take time to wait and listen to what He has to say? I waited for her responses and during our conversation I explained the way God speaks. It’s often the first thing that comes to your mind, and you can know it’s God because of things such as a peace that comes over you, a knowing within you, and that it lines up with the Bible. From what she was saying it seemed like she was doing everything she could to position herself to hear God; reading her Bible, praying, and taking time to wait for God to speak and to listen. My next question was the clincher “Have you ever told God you want to follow Him and surrender your life to Him?” Her answer was “No”, and there you have it! I asked if she would like to do that, and her answer was “Of course” so we prayed together. I always say for the person to speak out loud, and that goes for people online too and we cover complete surrender, repentance and receiving God’s gift of new life.
Dear God, thanks for creating me. Thank you that you died for me and rose again, defeating sin and death. I would like to follow you. Please forgive me for turning away from you and for all the things that I have done that I know were wrong… (spend a little bit of time saying sorry for anything that specifically comes to mind)......then continue....I want to hand my life over to you and follow you. I give you my mind, my will, and my emotions. I now receive the offer of a new life that you give me. Please teach me your ways. Amen
After we had prayed together, she then talked to God further and asked Him some questions. She got an immediate answer and the look on her face was one of delight and peace.
There are many people I have met over the years that have told me they are a Christian and after some time of talking, I discover they have either added Jesus into their life or they have never told Jesus they want to follow Him. Commitment to following Jesus is a total surrender; your life, your ways, your thoughts - a complete exchange of life, you give up the old and take a brand-new life in Jesus and a commitment to follow Jesus and his ways daily.
Christians are not exempt from trials that come from life and can often find themselves navigating challenges and struggles. So how do we slow it down and take time with a Christian to unmask the struggles that they might face?
Take time to listen - if you let people talk, and you take in what they say you can discover a lot about someone. Don’t be hasty to give an answer but really listen to what the person is saying. Take time to consider, what’s the one thing that stands out to you in what they are sharing and then take that point to ask them a question.
Avoid giving ‘shallow affirmations’ - Affirmation and encouragement is an important part of people growing or being able to receive encouragement, so make it count and provide depth to your affirmation or encouragement. You do this by explaining the reason behind why you are affirming or giving that encouragement. If you can’t give an explanation then this is a great reminder to make time to ask questions and dive deeper into what the person is sharing before you encourage and offer advice. So, take time to hear their story. For example: An affirmation of “It’s so great you are a Christian” right up front can reduce ‘room’ for people to feel like they can share their struggles and their wins. It’s like ‘that’ Christian quick fix that people are so used to; saved, church, read your Bible you’ll be right and then they don’t have anyone they can talk to.
Pace and Lead - This simply means acknowledging what’s been said and then leading out with a thought-provoking question that will help to bring connection. For example: “I’m a Christian” - Response: “Thanks for telling me, are you happy to tell me a little about how you became a Christian?”
Wait before giving advice - It can be very tempting to provide solutions at times. If you get told a problem, rather than helping with a solution, pause and ask some questions. Things like; What would you like to see happen? How do you think this could be resolved/changed? What would you like the outcome to be? What things do you feel you’ve done to contribute to this?
Talk about real struggles you have had and the solution you found - After you’ve taken time to listen it may be appropriate to share a little about circumstances or experiences that would help someone to understand that they are not alone, others struggle too. What you share should connect in some way and take care that your story doesn’t then become the highlight, rather draw from an experience to help as a real-life example. If you can’t relate then you can use other examples to draw from such as Bible stories, stories of others (make sure you have permission to share them) or other reference points.
Ask thought-provoking questions that would help to bring change - Rather than giving solutions, ask questions to help people discover change for themselves. As an example, I was talking to a friend the other day. She was telling me about the things she had done and was struggling to forgive herself. Only moments earlier we were talking about a project she was in charge of and she had said to me; “Be careful not to click here, but if you do just let me know so I can help you fix it”. I related this sentence back to her and then asked her a few questions about it. Why did she want me to come to her? What would be the consequences if I hid my mistake? Is it better if I come straight away? The answers were obvious. She explained that if I came to her then she could help to rectify the problem and reduce the impact on others, it helped her to see that exposing her errors quickly and involving others who are there to help will bring relief and solutions. We’ve all made mistakes, and we all need forgiveness. No one on earth is exempt.
Be a Christian that connects, it brings life and change. The more you do it the easier it will be and you’ll be able to model your example to others. A great way to practice is to try asking questions with your friends. If you’re not used to doing this it can seem unnatural at first but give it a try and let us know how you get on.
